The teen years can feel unpredictable and intense. Big feelings, small brakes – emotions are stronger, but the brain systems that put the brakes on (helping with impulse control, calm thinking, and judgement) are still developing. That means teens can feel things very deeply but find it hard to pause, think, or manage reactions in the heat of the moment.
When emotions run high, the Thinking Brain temporarily switches off, so they can’t empathise, apologise, problem-solve, or learn effectively until they’ve calmed down.
Brain development also happens ‘back to front.’ The areas of the brain linked to risk, social reward, and excitement remodel first, while the Thinking Brain – responsible for planning, seeing others’ perspectives, and controlling impulses – is the last to fully mature. This is why teenagers often seek thrills, prioritise friends, and sometimes take risks that can feel hard to understand to adults.
At the same time, teenagers naturally move in and out of closeness and distance with parents as they work towards becoming independent. The closer your relationship, the harder they may sometimes push against you – not as rejection, but as part of growing into themselves.
A crucial way to help is by validating and accepting feelings. When we just acknowledge their emotions, we help teens feel understood and it also strengthens our relationship. This doesn’t mean agreeing with behaviour, but it builds their trust and models how to calm down overwhelming feelings, so they can gradually return to clearer thinking.
Practical Tips for Parents:
- Keep a Bridge to your teen – Your relationship is the only real influence you have. Stay connected by joining them in the things they enjoy, whether that’s a TV show, a sport, or letting them show you how their favourite computer game works.
- Listen more, Lecture less – When they are trying to explain something to you, resist the urge to jump in with solutions or lectures. Instead, listen fully. Teenagers are more likely to talk (and listen to you) if they feel that you ‘get’ it.
- Move from Control to Collaboration – Involve your teen in decisions. For example, agree study times together or let them have some choice over when to do chores. This builds independence and shows their voice matters.
- Encourage Safe Risk-taking – Let them try new challenges like auditioning for a play, or practising public transport together until they can travel more independently. Think of it as preparing your child for the road, not the road for your child.
- Less is More when validating a teen’s feelings – For example, try a simple “I know that feels frustrating” or “That’s tough,” then pause, stay silent and count to 10 in your head. This gives them space to take this in or respond. They may not react in the moment, but over time they will register that you are trying hard to understand them.
Remember – you don’t have to have all the answers; being present is enough. Even on the hardest days, your steady presence is nurturing your teen’s sense of security, confidence, and resilience.