Hold the Boundary, Soothe the Feeling: Why Both Matter in Parenting

Two things can be true at the same time. We can set fair boundaries and limits and soothe our child’s feelings about this.

Parents I see in my practice and the workshops I run often find themselves paralysed by guilt, fearing they will ‘damage’ their child by holding a firm boundary. In a well-intentioned effort to be gentle, attuned, and emotionally validating, they sometimes lose their confidence in saying “no” when it’s needed.

I have spent 20 years in the therapy room helping parents see the world through their child’s eyes – tuning into emotions, offering connection and validation. It’s been heartening to see the shift away from outdated discipline methods, Time Out and punitive consequences, which push feelings aside rather than support children to process them.

However, in moving away from these old approaches, at times we are swinging too far in the other direction. We risk leaving parents feeling powerless – afraid to set limits, anxious about their child feeling any frustration, and overwhelmed by the pressure to constantly meet their child’s needs.

Boundaries Build Resilience
The truth is, children need boundaries to feel secure. They need to know that their parents are in charge, not in a harsh or authoritarian way, but in a way that provides safety and predictability. Learning to tolerate frustration, disappointment, and delayed gratification is a vital part of emotional development. When we arrange the world around our children to prevent all discomfort, we unintentionally make them less equipped to handle life’s
inevitable challenges—whether that’s navigating friendships, school, or future workplaces where their needs won’t always come first.

A Family-Centred versus a Child-Centred approach
Rather than a child-centric model, where everything revolves around keeping children happy, a family-centric approach benefits everyone. Children develop a realistic sense of where they fit in, feel part of a team, and gain important life skills such as compromise and patience. Parents, in turn, feel freed to prioritise their own well-being at times, without drowning in guilt. This balance contributes to stronger parent-child relationships, built on connection rather than exhaustion and resentment.

The Research on ‘Good Enough’ Parenting consistently shows that children do not need perfect parents – they need parents who are attuned to their child’s feelings, responsive, and consistent most of the time. Occasional frustrations, minor disappointments, and boundaries that are lovingly, but firmly held do not harm children – in fact, they help build resilience and emotional regulation.

So, next time you hesitate before setting a boundary, remember: You can be kind and firm. Both are acts of love.